I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
you had me at cake vodka
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
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