I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
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