Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Randomize
