we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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