Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
