im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
