i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
