You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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