Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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