When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
