As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Randomize
