Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
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