Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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