CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
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