Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
