youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Randomize
