Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Randomize
