I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
