You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
