I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
So apparently I’m into choking now
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
