Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
i mean i'm ok with bufu but if i'm gonna do it it needs to be a mutual agreement, and there are steps that need to be taken. you don't just go OOPS we're doing it now
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Randomize