I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
