im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Randomize
