the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
