HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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