You just made me feel so damn special
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Randomize
