We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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