I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
