I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
