My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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