mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
