I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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