I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
Randomize
