What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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