My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Randomize
