I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
