maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Randomize
