How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
it's not cheating when I paid for it
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
just really comprehended the fact that I'm getting high at the same place I used to play as a child. the nostalgia and thc is mixing together in one, intense wave. WHO HAVE I BECOME
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Randomize
