I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Randomize
