My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
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