How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
