help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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