There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
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