Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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