you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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