I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
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