the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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