I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
Randomize
