He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
