i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Such a big mess for such a small penis
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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