Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Randomize
