Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
