I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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