someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
