Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
I love you.
Bad choice
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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