my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
