Why is your signature on my underwear?
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
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