Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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