Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
When did we convert life to cartoon?
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Randomize
