I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
